Metallicat

Believe it or not this cat actually made it into my college year book. I don't really remember why but fuck, look at it, it doesn't need a reason for anything it does in life. I'm gonna get me a cat, shave it like this and name it Hetfeild. Then it'll look like its namesake, a cowardly lion, with a bad attitude and a little dutch man following him around.

England - 1, Scotland - 0

So, England qualified for the world cup and Scotland didn't. Ha.

The honey badger

I'm all over the Honey Badger, like the Honey Badger is all over honey. This is a badger that makes our black and white 'regular' badger look and seem as dangerous and vicious as a thumbless stoned 16yr old from Norfolk with a bag of Doritos's watching a Jim Carey boxset.

The 'regular' badger is infamous for being kinda nasty, elusive of British eyes and rarely seen during daylight without it being in peice's on the side of the road. I actually had to pleasure of coming pretty close to a 'regular' badger a few weeks back. I got within about 4ft of the animal, and when it didn't run away and it started to stare at me i wasn't sure whether to turn around and avoid the mild inconvenience of being attacked by a fucking badger or shout and run at it. Luckily it took one look at my menace and sharp teeth and knew it wasn't in safe hands and vacated my presence into in the wheat.

But, the honey badger, now that's a badger you don't fuck with. Often referred to as 'the killer badger'. The honey badger does not have any real predators in the wild and therefore it does this thing where its a bit of a twat, a bit arrogant and shows no fear, kind of like a West Ham fan. They can chew through bone and muscle like a hot knife through butter, one bit David Attenborough once, it bit him right in the gooch. Apart from ageing British broadcasters perineum's it also really really likes honey, like Winnie the pooh, but not quite as shit.

Just like a shorty fatty African Doberman.

You've got mail

I swear to Christ himself i get more spam and junk email than any other person on earth, it may have something to do with the kind of websites i visit. Regardless...these are just a few of my favourite email subject titles Ive received in last few days...

"The more inch's in your pants, the more women in your bedroom."

"Tired of girls searching for your little friend in bed and not being able to find it."

"Embarrassed of a locker room issue, then add some inch's to him."

"With a bigger tool, the confidence will be shown in your eyes."

"A bigger rod will show a shorter road to success."

"Do you have problems in your sexual relationship, DO YOU? We can help."

"A bigger stick will put a bigger smile on your lovers face."

"Does your bedroom smell of intimacy, we can change it."

"If your water your tool, it wont help, but we know what will."

"If you had a gold fish would you ask for a bigger instrument."

"An extra inch in your pants means an extra girl in your bed."

Right, now is it just me or is there a theme occurring here, i also get a lot of emails from a company or companies trying to sell me weight loss berries. What the fuck? As for the the above e-mails, do you not think it'd of been a much better film if Meg Ryan had received the email, "Does your bedroom smell of intimacy". I'd of watched it, cause i haven't seen the current one, waiting for the directors cut, still, i wanna watch the one with Meg Ryan the skank blowing cocks for dollars and taking it from behind, that exists right?

Discretion is paramount

Right, so, its time for me to help out my fellow man, help this guy out ladies, he seems awesome. I found him on gumtree advertising himself. So here is his advert...

"I'm looking for a woman in or around the Lewisham area who wants to be fingered hard to orgasm tonight with 2, 3, 4 fingers inside her. A woman who wants her anus tongued and fingered. A woman who's prepared to stroke me while I'm fingering her and as a parting shot piss in my mouth. Any age, race, etc.

I'm keen to do this outside somewhere secluded. 32 yo white male, quite tall and attractive. I'm attached therefore discretion is paramount."

Do get in touch, here's the website if you want to leave him a message, find out more, or piss in his mouth, i prefer kiwi juice personally, but i guess I'm just weird.

http://www.gumtree.com/london/60/44869960.html

Jaffa Cake, Birthday Cake

Best birthday cake ever, my obvious love for jaffa cakes made enough of an impact for me to receive a giant jaffa cake. It tasted like a real jaffa cake, only bigger and better in every conceivable way. Its nearly all gone now, hopefully i don't have to wait till my 24th birthday to receive another.

Porno Jean

Marilyn Monroe, born Norma Jeane Mortenson on 1st June 1926, was one of the worlds most famous and infamous people to ever live. She started her career as a model and later became a very well respected, singer and actress thanks to films like 'The Seven Year Itch' and 'Some Like It Hot', which she also won a golden globe for. She died on 5th August 1962 from a overdose, suicide was never ruled out but many believe she was murdered by the FBI and CIA because of her connexions to the commander in chief.

In 1997, a roofer working on a house in the town of falls church found a stack of pornography in front of the house he was working on, instead of leaving it or throwing it away, the weird man decided to keep the second hand porn, and take it home with him to decorate his walls in his house. What the hell?, who does that? Later he found out that one of the images was of Monroe laid bare with nothing but a bow in her hair, smiling. The image sold for $6,655 and was apparently taken in 1945, the earliest known nude photo of her, only adding to her reputation as the sexual provocateur of the era.

Last year, 15 mins of 16mm silent black and white film footage was sold by the son of a dead FBI informant. The 1950's film footage shows Marilyn Monroe on her knee's sucking off a mystery man who never lets his face enter the shot, indicating he knew the camera was there. I like to think its one of the Kennedy's she's about to take a shot in the mouth from. The videotape was sold for $1.5 million to an anonymous New York businessman. I'm thinking its gotta be Jack Bauer's dad 'Donald Sutherland' from the show 'Dirty sexy money', or possibly even Donald Trump, i cant think of any other new york businessmen.

Apparently he bought it to protect Marilyn's privacy and credibility. her credibility? She fucked the president and the entire family.

How is there not one person, with $1.6 million who could of outbid Mr Trump and shared it with me, and the rest of the world maybe. Instead I'm stuck with Colin Farrel in my celebrity sextapes. 'yer fucka, yer fucka buuutterful,' in a shit Irish accent for 12 mins acting like the massive cunt that he is. Its embarrassing, for both him, and the male gender, nobody talks or fucks as bad as this guy.

Anyway, the businessman is either either telling the truth about his intentions for the tape, to keep it locked up, in which case it has most likely been destroyed already, or he was lieing, has bought it as an investment and it will be sold at a later date for more money, or lastly and in my mind, the most likely scenario, he sits at home every night alone, masturbating furiously while watching the tape, that's probably what id be doing. No, that IS what id be doing.

People With A.I.D.S

I've drove down Zzyzx road just outside Vegas, that was pretty neat. But seeing this in the middle of Manhattan Island in between the Mayors office and Washington Square Park, nearly made me die, not of A.I.D.S mind you.

Rumour has it, Freddy Mercury's last dieing wish was to get fucked by a midget wearing a ski mask at this plaza. Unfortunately, Reg (the preferred midget) died traveling to New York to meet Fred in a tragic blimp accident. Fred died a week later, instead of being buried or cremated, Fred was stuffed and is currently on display in Burma.

One Missed Call

One Missed Call, is the Hollywood remake of Japanese film 'Chakushin ari'. Sky Movies described it as, 'A group of students receive phone calls from their future selves, warning of their impending, gruesome deaths. Can anything stop the signal? Murderous mobile mayhem.'Oh my fucking days.

In all fairness, the only reason i watched the film was i kind of have a thing for Shannyn Sossamon who stars as the leading role of Beth. Beth's friends all start to get voice messages on their mobiles of themselves screaming and dieing in the future. Then they die, while all sucking a red piece of candy. Fuck me. The plot and film dribbles on for nearly 90 minutes. 90 minutes of my life I've wasted when i could of spent that time building a raft, shooting beer bottles with a BB gun or even curing Crohn's disease, but instead I've achieved none of these heightened senses possibly achievable in an hour and a half.

You know when you go to the cinema and there are those Orange adverts with a bunch of movie exec's and someone like Kevin Spacey, and the producers want to make the sole plot of the film revolve around a mobile phone, well its like it finally happened, but this film is even shitter. How it got a rating of 3.4 on IMDB i will never know.

Also, one of my cats had shit the living room so that only added to the film's intensity.

President Socks

Is there a finer image to ever be taken? Bill Clinton's cat 'socks' addressing the nation. Quite possibly the greatest photograph ever taken, maybe apart from that really cool pic of Bundy looking all angry and sexy in the courtroom.

Doesn't 'socks' look like Hitler? Or if you happen to be in the business, Kitlers.

http://www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com/

The Locust

I wanna party with this band, c'mon, look at them. It even appears they like owls from JP's arm. I fucking dig owls. I went to an owl sanctuary once. I could join the band...on the basis i play the owl like some sort of hairy flute. If theres any instrument this band doesn't use, its definitely wind instruments, and if theres anything this band sorely needs, its a fucking flute made out of a piped owl.

KKK's Of Leon

Whenever a band is over hyped, i generally take a step back and if I'm going to get into them, i'll do it in my own time, and not when NME tells me i should. With Kings Of Leon I've believed them to be over hyped from the start. From what I've heard, the singles they've released etc etc, i was never really that impressed and i always summed up my simple analogy of the band to 'fucking hillbillies'

I thought it was about time to perhaps give an album some of my time and base a real evaluation on a listen, so i decided to download the most recent album. 'Only by the night'. I wasn't gonna pay for it.

My initial thoughts on the Jesus freak clan band from the south are only reinforced on first and only listen. Imagine being shot in the chest with a shotgun and then while recovering in the hospital, a fat Axl Rose then appears posing as a doctor who then crawls upon your chest, and proceeds to flat out brick in your open wound while humming 'Paradise city' to himself. If this wasn't bad enough in itself, its proven fact that Axl has been eating nothing but jam sandwiches and pumpkins since 1995. Well, this band and album feels like that, but for your ears.

Fat Ronaldo

The hair gel industry suffered a catastrophic blow in North-West England this week when it was revealed that Christiano Ronaldo was set to leave Manchester United for Real Madrid. I'm sick of hearing about this so i decided to look up his older Brazilian namesake who was a big hit 10 years ago. It turns out 'Fat Ronaldo' as i know him has started to look like Craig David. I didn't even get as far as finding out where or what he does now, only so far into the rabbit hole to find he looks like Craig David. I don't know whats worse, 'Fat Ronaldo' looking like Craig David or 'Regular Ronaldo' dressing like Ricky Martin, remember him?

Hello Kitty

I'm all up for trying new things, but is there something really horrifying about putting hello kitty inside yourself? 'Hello Kitty', 'Hello Kitty'.

North Korea

The looming threat by North Korea according to the worlds media is ever increasing with Nuclear tests and missile launches. Surely I'm not the only one who thinks i could take down this guy with a one swift backhand and some name calling. I'm pretty sure that would make him cry, at least enough that he'd give me his dinner money.

My Favourite Eunuch

Today's topic, considering its such a lovely summer day, is weirdly about my favourite eunuch. Try and spot the Eunuch out of the lineup of President's and assassins.

Thomas P. Corbett, aka Boston Corbett. was the solider who shot and killed John Wilkes Booth, who was the man who shot abe, not that creepy green fella with his lips sewn together from oddworld, but Abe Lincoln.

In an attempt to imitate Jesus, he began to wear his hair very long. On July 16, 1858, in order to avoid the temptation of prostitutes, Corbett castrated himself with a pair of scissors. Afterward, he ate a meal.

Sexual Hitler

Apparently women used to faint in pure sexual ecstasy when they met Hitler. What a guy.

Posh Survivor

My bruv tucking into a zebra...

I caught glimpse of Bear Grylls last week on the tube and thought i'd look him up, mainly because i was almost certain he wasn't born with Bear as his christian name. I went straight to the wikipedia page for him, and learnt some interesting facts about this odd man. Bear in mind (get it) its wikipedia so its probably more than embellished.

1. His first name is not Bear, but actually, Edward.

2. He is the son of Sir Micheal Grylls, Conservative MP.

3. He was educated at Eton college and has a degree in Hispanic studies from Birkbeck college.

4. He has three sons, Jesse, Marmaduke and most recently, Huckleberry.

5. He lives on a barge moored by Battersea bridge.

6. He holds the world record for the highest open air formal dinner party which he did in a hot air balloon while dressed in military evening wear.

7. Warner Bros has asked him to appear in their remake of clash of the titans.

8. He is one of the youngest Brits to ever climb Mt Everest at the age of 23, just 18 months after breaking his back in a military operation he claims to of been a part in, despite no one else in his unit knowing about such an event.

9. Survivalist Ray Mears has labelled Grylls a "boy scout" (a somewhat ironic comment given that Grylls was later appointed to the role of Chief Scout of the UK),

10. He once rowed for 22 miles along the Thames in a homemade bathtub, naked.

Mystery Scissorhands

I cant quite figure out how no-one has noticed this before, so i thought i better bring it to the worlds attention. That weirdo Blaine Harrison, the singer from Mystery Jets very much resembles Edward Scissorhands, yeah?

In a fight, my £10 is on the guy in black with scissors for hands as opposed to the weird chap in pink with a limp.

Chuckle bike crash

While researching the last post i stumbled upon a rather delightful article on aids ridden Paul Chuckle and his motorcycle crash, its a couple of years old, but it makes me laugh oh so delightfully. Here's the article from the BBC...

Life isn't so funny for Chuckle Brothers star Paul Elliott after he was injured in a motorbike smash.

He was injured when he fell off his bike during a family holiday on the Greek island of Kefalonia.
Paul and brother Barry are the stars of BBC1 show Chuckle Vision. He broke his nose and received cuts and bruises.

Some British tourists stopped at the accident, but instead of helping him out, they shouted out the Chuckle Brothers' catchphrase: "To me, to you."

Paul also got a black eye, but that shouldn't hinder his Chuckle vision. The comedian said he was enjoying the ride when there was a steep curve in the road - and came across a shepherd with his flock of goats.

He said: "As I braked I lost control and I'm not sure exactly what happened. The next thing I knew, I was on the floor with the motorbike on top of me."

Chuckle aids

Have you ever wondered if its true that The Chuckle Brothers both have aids? Today we lay down the proverbial rumour that's been floating about the backstreet hospital grape vine since the early 90's. There's only one way to honestly and truly delve deep into the question to learn the real truth behind it all.

Do the chuckle brothers both have aids?

The New Renoir

Who are or were the great artists? Many believe the Renaissance spawned some of the greatest artists and thinkers of existence. People such as Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael, made even more famous by a rat named splinter who named his ninja disciple's after his four favourite Renaissance artists, a clever thing to do for a rat some might say. Needless to say, splinters word has proven to be fairly accurate amongst many art critics. Personally i believe Da Vinci was a bit of dick, never finished too many paintings and i stand by my judgement that the guy had his fingers in far too many pies.

Anyhow, back to topic, they were 'considered' great artists, along with names like Botticelli, Picasso, Monet, Van Gogh, Renoir, Dali and Rembrandt. All these names conjure up the image of artistic genius. They are all instantly recognizable names in their chosen fields regardless what you or i think they portray a certain ideal of a certain artistic movement.

Needless to say you've heard these names, your know their work, in my opinion these people have had their day, but we must now move on. I discovered a new and exciting artist i would like to share with the world. About 3 years ago i discovered an image that actually made me cry tears of joy. An image so strong and powerful i saved it to my computer in the folder 'other'. Very recently after several bottles of white wine i decided to actually find out the name of this great artist. And i was shocked to find each piece of art is even more magnetic than the last.

I say we give this fine specimen of a human the attention and credit he quite rightly deserves, lets get this guy in the Louvre, without any further adue, i introduce Mark Chamberlain. The patron saint and innovator of gay batman watercolours.

Mango advice...

In some ways protecting your mango is similar to Fight Club, there are certain rules. Quite specifically there is one rule that stands out. That rule is: Do not leave your mango exposed in the work place.

If you look carefully in the first picture you will notice the mango is crying due to being shamefully defaced in the style of the NY punk scene due to being left unattended for an extended period of time. A basic error in mango maintenance.

Japan Vs Cat

Aristotle once asked, If a British born cat tried to backpack across Japan, what what said cat look like. Today, on a windy Sunday evening in the heart of Suffolk, that question has finally been answered.

It's a shame I'm such a bastard cause I'm actually putting the cat on a plane to Havana.

Karl Marx Vs Cats

If you can think of a better thing to do on a Tuesday evening than this, then i will eat my own hat. Find an old Marilyn Manson magnet that was free with 'Kerrang' magazine about 50 years ago, a Karl Marx finger puppet, fashion them together using scissors to get rid of the top half of Manson, some tape, and then you have a Karl Marx toy with legs, the next step is to try and put him on top of your cats bodies so it looks like Karl is riding them like a cowboy and a weird looking horse. Results vary.

Licking a kitchen knife

Saturday night i sit patiently waiting for Goldeneye to come on TV. I'm not going out due to the fact Ive been far too frivolous with my pounds so i need to stay in and catch a good bond film with strong communism overtones with many references to the cold war in order to save some of those pounds, while i wait i stumble upon ITV which i try to avoid like the black death and i discover a show called Hell's Kitchen, some sort of celeb-reality cooking experiment from ITV. Fairly quickly if not from the fact its broadcast on ITV to start with, i can tell how bad it is, Ive seen this Marco Pierre White 'character' on my tube before selling some chicken stock shit implying its the best thing to happen to cooking since himself. I already think he's an arrogant prick from that. Even quicker i discover how much more of a cock noose* he really is. Not to mention the ridiculous scarf he is wearing around his head, as is his celebrity inmates. He really does resemble an ageing and somewhat unhygienic date rapist who wouldn't think twice about stealing your jewelery afters he's roped, and raped you. The only saving grace of the show was Ade Edmundson naming his dessert Ade's bloody mess, not sure if he's aware he made a HIV joke but hey its 9:30 on Saturday night on ITV, its normally packed with HIV, racist and paedophilia wit is int it...?
He talks down to his celebrity inmates with statements that sound like they come out of the mouth of a 18yr old philosophy student who's just finished reading his first Nietzsche book while wearing a beret and wearing a Che t shirt.. 'A cricket bat with no roots is just a tree'. No, a cricket bat with no roots is a broken cricket bat cause Ive spent the past 45 mins beating you round your smug face with it. I also saw the cunt lick a kitchen knife, i was fucking 4 when my mum taught me not to do that, this old twat is still doing it. Avoid at all costs, for your cooking show fix stick with Channel 4, Dave Lamb and come dine with me

* A cock noose is a masturbation technique for men that involves tying a shoe lace around your cock and then tugging from afar.