Metallicat

Believe it or not this cat actually made it into my college year book. I don't really remember why but fuck, look at it, it doesn't need a reason for anything it does in life. I'm gonna get me a cat, shave it like this and name it Hetfeild. Then it'll look like its namesake, a cowardly lion, with a bad attitude and a little dutch man following him around.

England - 1, Scotland - 0

So, England qualified for the world cup and Scotland didn't. Ha.

The honey badger

I'm all over the Honey Badger, like the Honey Badger is all over honey. This is a badger that makes our black and white 'regular' badger look and seem as dangerous and vicious as a thumbless stoned 16yr old from Norfolk with a bag of Doritos's watching a Jim Carey boxset.

The 'regular' badger is infamous for being kinda nasty, elusive of British eyes and rarely seen during daylight without it being in peice's on the side of the road. I actually had to pleasure of coming pretty close to a 'regular' badger a few weeks back. I got within about 4ft of the animal, and when it didn't run away and it started to stare at me i wasn't sure whether to turn around and avoid the mild inconvenience of being attacked by a fucking badger or shout and run at it. Luckily it took one look at my menace and sharp teeth and knew it wasn't in safe hands and vacated my presence into in the wheat.

But, the honey badger, now that's a badger you don't fuck with. Often referred to as 'the killer badger'. The honey badger does not have any real predators in the wild and therefore it does this thing where its a bit of a twat, a bit arrogant and shows no fear, kind of like a West Ham fan. They can chew through bone and muscle like a hot knife through butter, one bit David Attenborough once, it bit him right in the gooch. Apart from ageing British broadcasters perineum's it also really really likes honey, like Winnie the pooh, but not quite as shit.

Just like a shorty fatty African Doberman.

You've got mail

I swear to Christ himself i get more spam and junk email than any other person on earth, it may have something to do with the kind of websites i visit. Regardless...these are just a few of my favourite email subject titles Ive received in last few days...

"The more inch's in your pants, the more women in your bedroom."

"Tired of girls searching for your little friend in bed and not being able to find it."

"Embarrassed of a locker room issue, then add some inch's to him."

"With a bigger tool, the confidence will be shown in your eyes."

"A bigger rod will show a shorter road to success."

"Do you have problems in your sexual relationship, DO YOU? We can help."

"A bigger stick will put a bigger smile on your lovers face."

"Does your bedroom smell of intimacy, we can change it."

"If your water your tool, it wont help, but we know what will."

"If you had a gold fish would you ask for a bigger instrument."

"An extra inch in your pants means an extra girl in your bed."

Right, now is it just me or is there a theme occurring here, i also get a lot of emails from a company or companies trying to sell me weight loss berries. What the fuck? As for the the above e-mails, do you not think it'd of been a much better film if Meg Ryan had received the email, "Does your bedroom smell of intimacy". I'd of watched it, cause i haven't seen the current one, waiting for the directors cut, still, i wanna watch the one with Meg Ryan the skank blowing cocks for dollars and taking it from behind, that exists right?

Discretion is paramount

Right, so, its time for me to help out my fellow man, help this guy out ladies, he seems awesome. I found him on gumtree advertising himself. So here is his advert...

"I'm looking for a woman in or around the Lewisham area who wants to be fingered hard to orgasm tonight with 2, 3, 4 fingers inside her. A woman who wants her anus tongued and fingered. A woman who's prepared to stroke me while I'm fingering her and as a parting shot piss in my mouth. Any age, race, etc.

I'm keen to do this outside somewhere secluded. 32 yo white male, quite tall and attractive. I'm attached therefore discretion is paramount."

Do get in touch, here's the website if you want to leave him a message, find out more, or piss in his mouth, i prefer kiwi juice personally, but i guess I'm just weird.

http://www.gumtree.com/london/60/44869960.html